#214) Goodbye and Good Riddance

 

December 15, 2020

 

Dear Loser,

 

On election day in November 2008 I woke up my 4 children at 10:00 at night and dragged them down to our local elementary school gym where my husband Peter was counting ballots because I wanted them to be present when the first black man was elected President of the United States.  I told them they were witnessing history, that their grandchildren would ask them about this one day, and that this was probably the most important election of their lives.  The youngest was still in pajamas and didn't understand exactly what was going on but he was there and he clapped and cheered with the crowd when Barack Obama was declared the victor.

 

Now here we are, 12 years later, and I'm telling them again that THIS is in fact the most important election of their lives (though for vastly different reasons).  They are older now and they understand why voting you out of office is important because they witness your stupidity and inadequacy every day.  With yesterday's ratification by the Electoral College the winner of the 2020 election became officially official and on January 20^th Joe Biden will be inaugurated as President of the United States of America.  I couldn't be happier that your reign of terror is coming to an end and that this will be my last letter to you. 

 

There is just one more thing that I would like to say to you to give myself closure as your tenure comes to an end, and that is shame on you!  Shame on you for being a misogynistic, self-seeking, antagonistic, dishonest, petty, selfish, racist, bigot and bully.  Shame on you for endangering the health and safety of American citizens and for enabling dangerous right wing militias and hate groups.  Shame on you for bringing this country to the brink of civil war for your own personal gain and most of all, shame on you for just being such a fucking asshole.

 

 

Goodbye and Good Riddance,

 

Amy Beaton

#213) Problem Solved!

July 16, 2020

Dear Dampy,

I wish that I was clever enough to have written this witty little meme making it's way around Facebook...

            "The reason our country is having so many heat waves is because we have so   

            many thermometers!  More than any other country!  If we stopped looking at     

            thermometers now, we'd have very few days over 80 degrees, if any."

And I fully expect to see a dramatic drop in covid-19 numbers now that hospitals must report them to the Dept. of Health and Human Services (overseen by you) rather than the Center for Disease Control (a non-partisan public health institute).   I think residents of Florida, Arizona, and Texas must be really relieved that you have taken the reigns and have the power to cut their viral case loads in half with just the swoosh of a pen or a few clicks of the keyboard!  Huzzah!

Perhaps this whole virus hoax will even be OVER by November 3^rd.  Wouldn't it be great to have a success like that to brag about just in time for the election.  November 3^rd is only 110 days away so you'd better get to work if you want to reframe 137,419 American deaths as a "win" for Team Trump.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

#212) Silent Majority? Really?

June 22, 2020

Lord Damp Nut,

I've been thinking about Saturday night's re-election rally in Tulsa, and not just about the poor turn out (so sad), but about your mention of the "silent majority".  You said, "The silent majority is stronger than ever." But I'm not sure that is true and they (whoever "they" are) certainly didn’t show up for you Saturday night.

When Richard Nixon used the term silent majority in the 1960s he was referring to Americans who did not join in anti-war protests.  But when you use the term you seem to be referring to some supposed vast swathe of the American population who support you in silence for fear of expressing their opinions publicly.  This seems like wishful thinking to me.  Given the recent nation-wide protests where hundreds of thousands of Americans turned out to publicly condemn you, your policies, your abilities, and your divisiveness I think it's safe to say that the "majority" is neither silent nor shy.

I know that there is a group of people who believe that the world is flat, the moon landing was faked, covid-19 is a hoax, and there's no problem that can't be solved by God, guns or Donald Trump.  But this is definitely not the majority of people. 

Dream on nut-ball.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  What if the silent majority are really just closeted K-pop fans?  I mean, you've got to respect the way they silently yet oh so skillfully sabotaged your rally with all those fake reservations.  Plus, K-pop songs are really catchy and BTS are so freakin' cute!

#211) You've Been Punk'd

June 21, 2020

Dear LDN,

Words can hardly express my excitement and gratitude for the youth of America this morning!  In case you're not in the loop already (and let's face it, you're rarely in the loop), here's why...while the fools running your campaign were bragging about selling 1 million tickets to last night's Trump rally in Tulsa AND setting up secondary, outside venues to handle the MASSIVE overflow crowds that were expected, the children of this nation were reserving tickets to the event with the intention of NOT showing up.  That's right, the youth of America have very quietly struck a truly savage blow against you and your hateful administration.  It wasn't antifa.  It wasn't the radical left. It wasn't the anarchists the communists or even the fake news.  It was just some really smart and rather stealthy kids!

A social media campaign led by young people, and most especially K-pop fans, on TikTok, Instagram and Twitter did more (without spending a dime!) to take the wind out of your campaign sails then any organized group of adults ever could. 

In a tweet on June 20 your campaign manager Brad Parscale said, "Just passed 800,000 tickets.  Biggest data haul and rally signup of all time by 10x.  Saturday is going to be amazing!"  Well it was "amazing".  Just not in the way you thought it would be!

I could go on and on about the hilarity and brilliance of this plan, but instead I'll let this fun video (highlighting some of the proud pranksters) do the talking:

youtu.be/utERTzrLD2Y

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  What's that quote from the Bible about a little child leading the way?

#210) Mission Accomplished??

June 8, 2020

Dear Lord Damp Nut,

Are we great again, yet?

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

#209) Thank You General Mattis

June 5, 2020

Dear Lord Damp Nut,

In all honesty I am finding great comfort in the diversity of people who are speaking up and speaking out against your incompetence and self-absorption during this time of crisis.  There's nothing like the stress of a nation-wide disaster and near-complete collapse of civil society to really bring people together.

General James Mattis (your first Defense Secretary) rarely makes public or political statements but was moved enough by this week's turmoil to write an excellent piece about your leadership skills (or lack thereof) for The Atlantic.  In case you missed it, here's one of the best bits:

            "We can unite without him [he means you Damp Nut], drawing on the strengths    

             inherent in our civil society.  This will not be easy, as the past few days have shown, 

             but we owe it to our fellow citizens; to past generations that bled to defend our promise; 

             and to our children."

He also said, "We are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership."  Ouch.  That one has got to hurt.  You were so happy and proud to have a general on your team way back in 2017...remember? 

Perhaps you can find some comfort by reading your Bible.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  For someone who is failing, very publicly, in almost every aspect of his personal and professional life you sure are throwing the word "loser" around an awful lot when you talk about other people.  I'd stop doing that if I were you.  Just saying.

#208) Another One Bites The Dust

June 4, 2020

Dear Lord Damp Nut,

After hearing Secretary of Defense Mark Esper today rebuke your call to deploy the US military against protesters I thought, well that guy will be gone in a few days.  And that made me think about all of the other people who have left your administration over the last three and a half years.  I made a list of them and let me tell you...there have been a LOT of departures.

Since the list was so massive I decided to sort them into themed groups as a way to highlight A) your administration's ineptitude in general, and B) your poor leadership skills in particular.

Here are my groupings:

            -quit because of you

            -fired by you because you didn't like something they said

            -fired by you because they were smarter than you

            -charged with a criminal offense

            -arrested and/or jailed

            -willing to testify to Congress (or other pertinent legal authority) about you

Unfortunately, about an hour into this undertaking I became overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task and abandoned it altogether (although there is a Wikipedia page with lists of "Trump administration dismissals and resignations" which you should check out). 

Suffice it to say that your presidency has been a failure of truly epic proportions (and we'll leave it to the historians to sort out the gruesome details).

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  Shout out to Republican Senator John Thune who – like Mark Esper - has spoken out against deploying military troops to quell the civil unrest caused by protests.  In his own simple words: "The goal always is to de-escalate, not escalate."  Way to go John!