#186) Woops! - My Mistake

July 19, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I hope that you are sitting down right now because I have some shocking and terrible news for you:  the Lone Ranger's mask was not white (which is really weird because what other color could possibly represent American virtue, integrity, and honesty?)  Well, I nearly fell off my chair when I found out and it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but apparently, because the show was shot in black and white, the mask which looked black on the screen was, in fact, purple (which is also really weird because everyone knows purple is the color for the gays.)  I feel like a terrible friend trying to buoy up your confidence by comparing you to the Lone Ranger when really he was just a liberal, gay fraud only disguised as a good-hearted do-gooder while he sneakily infiltrated hard working American's living rooms every week.  What a terrible trick to play on us poor, unsuspecting Americans (almost as bad as that purple Teletubby Tinky Winky that my youth pastor warned me about.)

But wait, that's not the worst of it - there's more.  I have also recently learned that the Congressional Medal of Honor can only be bestowed on a member of the military.  You can just imagine my frustration and disappointment that a make-up artist with the obvious talent that yours has cannot be recognized by Congress at the level which she so clearly deserves.  Apparently, the highest award for a civilian is the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  This is very unfortunate because the Presidential Medal of Freedom is A) purple (the gays!) and B) can be awarded to someone who is NOT a U.S. citizen (unbelievable!).  So apparently the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the most

un-American award ever devised.  Those liberals will stoop to just about any level of trickery and deception to forward their immigrant-loving gay agenda.  It is shocking.

I was so shattered by these revelations that I decided to go on-line and purchase 5,000 bright red t-shirts emblazoned with the phrase NO COLLUSION and will be dispensing them liberally (no pun intended!) to everyone I meet.  You will also be happy to learn that I did not order them from Amazon because that leftist fucker Jeff Bezos is already the richest person in history (so he doesn't need any of my money) AND he probably funnels funds from Amazon to prop up his failing Washington Post (because obviously no one reads it so how else does it stay in business?).  Robert Mueller should investigate him for money laundering and tax fraud instead of wasting time investigating you when everyone knows there was #NOCOLLUSION.  Duh. (Vladimir Putin even told us that.)  No, I ordered my t-shirts from a nice Chinese factory that only employs 9 year olds and boy did I get a great price. I think it's the same place that makes your MAGA hats and really it's just wonderful the way those Asian cultures value the contributions of children.  We could probably learn something from them (but that's another story that you will never hear about in the fake news.)

Anyway, it's been a tough few days for me as I'm sure it has been for you.  I do hope you take my advice and invest in a bronzer make up line with only shades of orange (call it brorange!) just in case those nasty Democrats try to impeach you and you find yourself out of a job.  The presidency may be fleeting but a good make up line is forever.  Remember that.

Yours in Solidarity (but not really, ha ha),

Amy Beaton

#185) It's So Unfair

July 18, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump,

It breaks my heart to see the way liberal media outlets like Fox News continue to rake you over the coals for your performance at yesterday's press conference with Vladimir Putin instead of highlighting all of the good points.  For instance, your hair was totally on point.  The comb-over was masterful but the way the whole thing just looked light enough to float off your head was breathtaking, almost gravity defying.  (I would say magical but of course magic is satanic because it opens the way for demonic possession which I am totally against.)  I couldn't look away.  It was almost like the words that came out of your mouth didn't matter because I was blinded by the meringue of your hair and sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen if a big gust of wind came along.

Also, whoever does your bronzing should get the Congressional Medal of Honor.  I especially love the way they avoid putting it around your eyes so that they are more white than the rest of your face.  It makes your eyes really pop.  It puts me in mind of the Lone Ranger (another stalwart defender of freedom, justice, and the American way!) who wore a white mask but yours is way better because it is real.  You don't need the artifice of a leather mask that can be taken off or put on as the situation demands because you're always on and ready to stand up to defend your country like the true American that you are.  It's like there's nothing fake about you because you don't hide behind anything.  I appreciate that.

So don't let the pundits get you down Mr. Trump.  You do you and just let the haters go hate on someone else for a while.  I'm sure this whole thing will blow over before you know it.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S. You could probably trademark that shade of orange you wear so well.  It would be a wonderful addition to the Trump business empire.  Just look at how much money Kylie Jenner has made off of lipsticks.  Make up lines are HUGE right now and thanks to the hippy health conscious liberals steak and vodka are out.  So it's probably time to diversify anyway.

#184) Another Job Well Done

July 17, 2018

Dear Asshole,

Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on that impressively disastrous press conference in Helsinki with Vladimir Putin.  Truly, it was a remarkable performance.  Not only did you go against your own national security, justice department and country...but also against reality!   Well done, sir. It must not have been an easy feat but you managed to pull it off with aplomb and barely even broke a sweat.

You know usually when you do something like this (embarrassing, stupid, inexplicable, un-presidential...really you can just fill in your own word for my "this") there is a contingent of Republicans who stand up for you, even if they have to hold their noses while they do it.  But this time you're facing nearly unanimous condemnation.  (I mean, you know you've messed up when even Newt Gingrich tell you you've messed up.)  So congratulations on uniting the country!  Nice job.  That's another win for Team Trump.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  I saw your interview with Sean Hannity following your success in Helsinki...but what the heck is this "nuclear warming" crisis you are trying to solve?  It sounds like a hybrid of nuclear war and global warming.  I'm so glad you brought this new threat to our attention.  Probably the liberal media has brushed it under the rug because it doesn't forward their leftist-communist agenda.  Luckily for us you're not afraid to speak the truth.  What would we do without you?!