#187) Defending the Indefensible (...again)

Senator Mitch McConnell

317 Russell Senate Office Building

Washington, DC  20510

October 3, 2018

Dear Senator McConnell,

At Donald Trump's Tuesday night rally in Mississippi he mocked Dr. Ford's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee.  It was inappropriate, demeaning, and disgraceful.

I'd also like to say it was indefensible, except that there is a Republican strategist – John Brabender - who does defend it.  Happily.  He is proud of the fact that Donald Trump acts like a horse's ass.  When asked to comment on the incident he actually said, "Is he going to start talking like the expectation we have for a president?  Go back and watch the campaign. He never talked like a president on the campaign or in his two years as president so let's take that expectation [that he can act and speak presidential] right off the table and all of us agree that Donald Trump is never going to act like a traditional president."

But here's the thing; most Americans have given up the hope that Trump can speak and act presidential.  No, we're just looking for him to speak and act like a decent human being.  Yup, that's how low we're aiming now...simple, basic human decency. 

Unfortunately it seems like the Republican Party can't even stand up for that any more. 

Sincerely Disgusted in Vermont,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  Have you noticed that Mr. Trump's bombast and rhetoric is inversely proportional to the size of his base?  Like as the crowd gets smaller his noise gets bigger (by noise I mean hate speech and by bigger I mean more outrageous).  It's like an impossible see saw.

#186) Woops! - My Mistake

July 19, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I hope that you are sitting down right now because I have some shocking and terrible news for you:  the Lone Ranger's mask was not white (which is really weird because what other color could possibly represent American virtue, integrity, and honesty?)  Well, I nearly fell off my chair when I found out and it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but apparently, because the show was shot in black and white, the mask which looked black on the screen was, in fact, purple (which is also really weird because everyone knows purple is the color for the gays.)  I feel like a terrible friend trying to buoy up your confidence by comparing you to the Lone Ranger when really he was just a liberal, gay fraud only disguised as a good-hearted do-gooder while he sneakily infiltrated hard working American's living rooms every week.  What a terrible trick to play on us poor, unsuspecting Americans (almost as bad as that purple Teletubby Tinky Winky that my youth pastor warned me about.)

But wait, that's not the worst of it - there's more.  I have also recently learned that the Congressional Medal of Honor can only be bestowed on a member of the military.  You can just imagine my frustration and disappointment that a make-up artist with the obvious talent that yours has cannot be recognized by Congress at the level which she so clearly deserves.  Apparently, the highest award for a civilian is the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  This is very unfortunate because the Presidential Medal of Freedom is A) purple (the gays!) and B) can be awarded to someone who is NOT a U.S. citizen (unbelievable!).  So apparently the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the most

un-American award ever devised.  Those liberals will stoop to just about any level of trickery and deception to forward their immigrant-loving gay agenda.  It is shocking.

I was so shattered by these revelations that I decided to go on-line and purchase 5,000 bright red t-shirts emblazoned with the phrase NO COLLUSION and will be dispensing them liberally (no pun intended!) to everyone I meet.  You will also be happy to learn that I did not order them from Amazon because that leftist fucker Jeff Bezos is already the richest person in history (so he doesn't need any of my money) AND he probably funnels funds from Amazon to prop up his failing Washington Post (because obviously no one reads it so how else does it stay in business?).  Robert Mueller should investigate him for money laundering and tax fraud instead of wasting time investigating you when everyone knows there was #NOCOLLUSION.  Duh. (Vladimir Putin even told us that.)  No, I ordered my t-shirts from a nice Chinese factory that only employs 9 year olds and boy did I get a great price. I think it's the same place that makes your MAGA hats and really it's just wonderful the way those Asian cultures value the contributions of children.  We could probably learn something from them (but that's another story that you will never hear about in the fake news.)

Anyway, it's been a tough few days for me as I'm sure it has been for you.  I do hope you take my advice and invest in a bronzer make up line with only shades of orange (call it brorange!) just in case those nasty Democrats try to impeach you and you find yourself out of a job.  The presidency may be fleeting but a good make up line is forever.  Remember that.

Yours in Solidarity (but not really, ha ha),

Amy Beaton

#185) It's So Unfair

July 18, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump,

It breaks my heart to see the way liberal media outlets like Fox News continue to rake you over the coals for your performance at yesterday's press conference with Vladimir Putin instead of highlighting all of the good points.  For instance, your hair was totally on point.  The comb-over was masterful but the way the whole thing just looked light enough to float off your head was breathtaking, almost gravity defying.  (I would say magical but of course magic is satanic because it opens the way for demonic possession which I am totally against.)  I couldn't look away.  It was almost like the words that came out of your mouth didn't matter because I was blinded by the meringue of your hair and sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen if a big gust of wind came along.

Also, whoever does your bronzing should get the Congressional Medal of Honor.  I especially love the way they avoid putting it around your eyes so that they are more white than the rest of your face.  It makes your eyes really pop.  It puts me in mind of the Lone Ranger (another stalwart defender of freedom, justice, and the American way!) who wore a white mask but yours is way better because it is real.  You don't need the artifice of a leather mask that can be taken off or put on as the situation demands because you're always on and ready to stand up to defend your country like the true American that you are.  It's like there's nothing fake about you because you don't hide behind anything.  I appreciate that.

So don't let the pundits get you down Mr. Trump.  You do you and just let the haters go hate on someone else for a while.  I'm sure this whole thing will blow over before you know it.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S. You could probably trademark that shade of orange you wear so well.  It would be a wonderful addition to the Trump business empire.  Just look at how much money Kylie Jenner has made off of lipsticks.  Make up lines are HUGE right now and thanks to the hippy health conscious liberals steak and vodka are out.  So it's probably time to diversify anyway.

#184) Another Job Well Done

July 17, 2018

Dear Asshole,

Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on that impressively disastrous press conference in Helsinki with Vladimir Putin.  Truly, it was a remarkable performance.  Not only did you go against your own national security, justice department and country...but also against reality!   Well done, sir. It must not have been an easy feat but you managed to pull it off with aplomb and barely even broke a sweat.

You know usually when you do something like this (embarrassing, stupid, inexplicable, un-presidential...really you can just fill in your own word for my "this") there is a contingent of Republicans who stand up for you, even if they have to hold their noses while they do it.  But this time you're facing nearly unanimous condemnation.  (I mean, you know you've messed up when even Newt Gingrich tell you you've messed up.)  So congratulations on uniting the country!  Nice job.  That's another win for Team Trump.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  I saw your interview with Sean Hannity following your success in Helsinki...but what the heck is this "nuclear warming" crisis you are trying to solve?  It sounds like a hybrid of nuclear war and global warming.  I'm so glad you brought this new threat to our attention.  Probably the liberal media has brushed it under the rug because it doesn't forward their leftist-communist agenda.  Luckily for us you're not afraid to speak the truth.  What would we do without you?!

#183) Loyalty vs. Competence

March 15, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

It will come as no surprise to you that I was never a fan of Rex Tillerson and I'm not sad to see him go, however, he did have a good head on his shoulders, seemed rational, reasonable, and at least open to new ideas.  The same cannot be said for his replacement, Mike Pompeo.  Mike Pompeo is a yes man.  He will tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it and that will make you very happy (at least for a while).  It will also make the world a much more dangerous and unstable place because a Secretary of State's job is not to assuage your fragile ego and tell you what you want to hear, but to maintain world order while securing the peace and prosperity of our country within that order.

I find it ironic that you portray yourself as a manager and deal-maker (in fact, I believe these were the only relevant skills on your resume for the job of POTUS) but are failing colossally at both.  You reward loyalty above skill or experience no matter how many times it blows up in your face.  (Isn't the very definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?)  Choosing devotion over competence in your staff not only makes you an ineffective leader, it also makes our country unstable.  I guess it's hard for you to see this when your most trusted advisor is only yourself and you fire anyone who might point it out to you.

I've said it before but I'll say it again:  you are dangerously unfit to hold the office of President of the United States.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

#182) Truth in Numbers

Paul Ryan

Speaker of the House

H-232 The Capital

Washington, DC  20515

March 14, 2018

Dear Mr. Speaker,

I like data.  I find that numbers can really help to give shape to ideas.  Here are some numbers for you to think about today while tens of thousands of public school students and staff walk out of their schools to bring awareness to the need for reasonable gun control laws in this country.

There are 5 million NRA members in the United States.

There are over 200 million registered voters in the United States (that's 195 million voters who are not NRA members) 

In 2018, the millennial generation (people aged 18-34) is set to pass baby boomers as the largest voter eligible group in the country. 

8,346,246 teenagers who weren't old enough to vote in 2016 will be eligible in 2018.

16,692,493 will be eligible to vote in 2020.

I don't think the odds are in your favor on this one.  I think you and the Republican Party should be bracing yourselves for some very disruptive mid-term elections this fall and then a complete sea change in 2020. 

Don't say you weren't warned.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  I saw a great bumper sticker this morning that said, "You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out of office."

#181) Steel and Aluminum Tariffs

March 2, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I may be a little out of my depth here, but I'd like to weigh in on your recent decision to put a 25% tax on steel imports and a 10% tax on aluminum imports coming into this country (because sometimes an unvarnished outsider's perspective really can help to clarify things).

From where I'm sitting you, and your administration, have had a colossally awful couple of weeks.  You're losing critical staff left and right, every teenager in America hates you, massive gun control rallies are planned all over the country for later this month, your good buddies at the NRA are publicly dissing you, and calling Jeff Sessions mean names on Twitter seems to have backfired.  So I totally understand your need to save face and do something to rally your voter base.  In other words, you need a "win".  I get it.  But imposing huge tariffs on steel and aluminum imports and possibly sparking a global trade war is not the best way to do that.

Republican Senator Ben Sasse said, "You'd expect a policy this bad from a leftist administration not a supposedly Republican one."  The Canadian Foreign Minister as well as several officials from the EU  also made very derogatory public comments about your plan.  And China flat out said it was, "stupid."  (I am not making this up.  They literally said it was "stupid".)

These tariffs will definitely make the steel and aluminum industry happy, but they are the only people who will be happy because these tariffs will most likely increase prices for American consumers.  Anything an American might want to purchase that is made with steel or aluminum will be more expensive plus prices on things that we import from other countries will probably rise as our trading partners seek retaliation for your short-sighted protectionism.  So basically, it looks as if you have prioritized the needs of 115,000 steel and aluminum workers over the needs of millions of consumers.  Hmmmmm, I'm not an economist but this seems like a bad idea to me.

I guess this is what happens when your most trusted advisor is yourself and yourself doesn't really know what he's doing.

Sincerely,

Amy Beaton