Monday, February 18, 2019

#191) A Public Service Announcment

February 18, 2019

Dear Mr. President,

Just a reminder, in case you forgot, that Congress is a co-equal branch of the US government.  That means that it can override presidential vetoes, can impeach officers of either the executive or judicial branches, can control governmental spending, and a thousand other things that I have neither the time nor inclination to explain to you.   

But the thing to remember is this: the executive branch of our government - the office of the President - is not above the law or the Congress.  You are not a supreme overlord.  You are not a monarch.  You are not an emperor, potentate, or sovereign.  What powers you have have been granted to your office (not actually to you) by the judicial and legislative branches of our government. 

***This public service announcement has been brought to you by
Citizens for Civic Awareness, Common Sense and Reasonableness.

Amy Beaton

P.S.  You've been divorced enough times to have at least a basic understanding of how co-parenting works, right?  Well the government works on the same principle.  Think of Nancy Pelosi as any of your ex-wives and just make it work.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

#190) And The Truth Shall Set You Free

February 7, 2019

Dear Mr. President,

After your state of the union rant about the "crisis" on our southern border it was interesting to see these responses from people who actually live there.

Michelle Lujan Grisham, the Governor of New Mexico (that's a state on the border with Mexico in case you weren't sure) had this to say:

"I reject the federal contention that there exists an overwhelming national security crisis at the southern border, along which are some of the safest communities in the country.  We will support our neighbors where the need for assistance is great, and we will offer a helping hand when we can to those vulnerable people who arrive at our border, but New Mexico will not take part in the President's charade of border fear-mongering by misusing our diligent National Guard troops," Grisham said.

She then recalled the National Guard troops that you sent and said, "We will deploy our men and women in uniform only where there is a need, and where their presence can make a genuine difference in ensuring public safety and an easing of the humanitarian concerns at our southern border."

Uh oh.  That's awkward.

Then El Paso Mayor Dee Margo joined in with this sweet Tweet:

"El Paso was NEVER one of the MOST dangerous cities in the US. We've had a fence for 10 years and it has impacted illegal immigration and curbed criminal activity. It is NOT the sole deterrent. Law enforcement in our community continues to keep us safe #SOTU"

You see he was rather insulted that you called El Paso one of "our nation's most dangerous cities" because it isn't now and never was.  Fact.  Look it up.

Better Luck Next Year (loser),

Amy Beaton

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

#189) More Gibberish

February 5, 2019

Dear Mr. President (aka Idiot in Chief),

Have you missed me?  I had to stop writing to you for a while there because following you so closely was making we sick with stress, worry, and anger.  But the other day when you were interviewed by CBS's Margaret Brennan the sheer lunacy of your responses to her questions motivated me to write again.

Here's just one gem from the interview...

During the campaign (oh those glory days!) you were very fond of saying that President Obama made strategic mistakes by "telegraphing" his military moves. You were quite adamant about this in fact.  Then you made the decision – unilaterally and against ALL reasonable advice – to pull US troops out of Syria and there was a tremendous and very public response.  (It was actually a global response in case you have forgotten but we won't dwell on that now).   When Ms. Brennan asked you about the hypocrisy of this you said:

            "I'm not telegraphing anything.  No, no, no. There's a difference. When President 
             Obama pulled out of Iraq in theory we had Iraq. In other words, we had Iraq. 
            We never had Syria because President Obama never wanted to violate the red line 
            in the sand. So we never had Syria. I was the one that actually violated the red line
            when I hit Syria with 59 Tomahawk missiles, if you remember. But President 
            Obama chose not to do that. When he chose not to do that, he showed tremendous 
            weakness.  But we didn't have Syria whereas we had Iraq. So when he did what he
            did in Iraq, which was a mistake. Being in Iraq was a mistake. Okay.  Being in 
           Iraq- it was a big mistake to go- one of the greatest mistakes  going into the Middle 
           East that our country has ever made. One of the greatest mistakes that we've ever 

Where oh where do I start to untangle this?  This statement A) doesn't answer the question, and B) isn't even coherent. This nonsensical garbage wouldn't be tolerated in my child's homework yet we tolerate it from the President of the United States.  You are an utter embarrassment to this nation.

With Disgust,

Amy Beaton

Thursday, October 4, 2018

#188) An Inverse Relationship

Senator Mitch McConnell
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC   20510

October 4, 2018

Dear Senator McConnell,

Because I've written so many letters to our lunatic in chief – Donald J. Trump – I am on several of his mailing lists and I get email alerts and short videos about his doings and lately I've noticed a trend:  his base is smaller and perhaps even shrinking.  His rallies are being held in smaller halls to make the crowds look a little bigger.  There's more orchestration of who stands where, which placards are held up to the camera, and what supporters get close ups.  I've noticed something else too:  as the crowds get smaller, Trump's rhetoric gets crazier.  It's like he's got to work a little harder for that adoration that he so craves.  A mathematician would call this an inverse relationship and can be expressed thusly:
x*y=k where k is some constant

Let's say x is the crowd size and y is Trump's speech.  That makes k, the constant, the positive reinforcement Trump needs from his attention seeking behavior.  To get enough feedback from a small crowd he's got to go big (and crazy), to really whip them up.  It's not enough anymore to just walk out onto the stage and pump his fists.  In the good old days of the campaign he only had to say the name "Hilary Clinton" and the crowd would begin chanting "Lock her up".   It was a slam-dunk for him.  He didn't even need to speak in complete sentences because a big x (crowd size) only needs a small y (rhetoric).

But now things seem just a little harder for Mr. Trump. He and his team have to work to create situations of positive attention where he can be praised, thanked and admired.  And he's got to do things like mock Christine Blasey Ford (increase the y) to maintain the rewarding stimuli of that k (positive feedback).

So where does this all stop?  Do we just allow this maniac to spout false, obnoxious and hurtful things in his pathetic effort to buoy up his own self-esteem?  When is enough enough?  When he's yelling at the walls?  Or when his rants are limited to just Twitter? 

Stopping this madness is your responsibility and if you can't or won't assume that responsibility then get out of the way and let someone else in who WILL.


Amy Beaton

P.S.  If you can read and understand that equation, thank a teacher (or maybe you were just lucky enough to attend a well funded public school like I was).

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

#187) Defending the Indefensible (...again)

Senator Mitch McConnell
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC  20510

October 3, 2018

Dear Senator McConnell,

At Donald Trump's Tuesday night rally in Mississippi he mocked Dr. Ford's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee.  It was inappropriate, demeaning, and disgraceful.

I'd also like to say it was indefensible, except that there is a Republican strategist – John Brabender - who does defend it.  Happily.  He is proud of the fact that Donald Trump acts like a horse's ass.  When asked to comment on the incident he actually said, "Is he going to start talking like the expectation we have for a president?  Go back and watch the campaign. He never talked like a president on the campaign or in his two years as president so let's take that expectation [that he can act and speak presidential] right off the table and all of us agree that Donald Trump is never going to act like a traditional president."

But here's the thing; most Americans have given up the hope that Trump can speak and act presidential.  No, we're just looking for him to speak and act like a decent human being.  Yup, that's how low we're aiming now...simple, basic human decency. 

Unfortunately it seems like the Republican Party can't even stand up for that any more. 

Sincerely Disgusted in Vermont,

Amy Beaton

P.S.  Have you noticed that Mr. Trump's bombast and rhetoric is inversely proportional to the size of his base?  Like as the crowd gets smaller his noise gets bigger (by noise I mean hate speech and by bigger I mean more outrageous).  It's like an impossible see saw.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

#186) Woops! - My Mistake

July 19, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I hope that you are sitting down right now because I have some shocking and terrible news for you:  the Lone Ranger's mask was not white (which is really weird because what other color could possibly represent American virtue, integrity, and honesty?)  Well, I nearly fell off my chair when I found out and it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but apparently, because the show was shot in black and white, the mask which looked black on the screen was, in fact, purple (which is also really weird because everyone knows purple is the color for the gays.)  I feel like a terrible friend trying to buoy up your confidence by comparing you to the Lone Ranger when really he was just a liberal, gay fraud only disguised as a good-hearted do-gooder while he sneakily infiltrated hard working American's living rooms every week.  What a terrible trick to play on us poor, unsuspecting Americans (almost as bad as that purple Teletubby Tinky Winky that my youth pastor warned me about.)

But wait, that's not the worst of it - there's more.  I have also recently learned that the Congressional Medal of Honor can only be bestowed on a member of the military.  You can just imagine my frustration and disappointment that a make-up artist with the obvious talent that yours has cannot be recognized by Congress at the level which she so clearly deserves.  Apparently, the highest award for a civilian is the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  This is very unfortunate because the Presidential Medal of Freedom is A) purple (the gays!) and B) can be awarded to someone who is NOT a U.S. citizen (unbelievable!).  So apparently the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the most
un-American award ever devised.  Those liberals will stoop to just about any level of trickery and deception to forward their immigrant-loving gay agenda.  It is shocking.

I was so shattered by these revelations that I decided to go on-line and purchase 5,000 bright red t-shirts emblazoned with the phrase NO COLLUSION and will be dispensing them liberally (no pun intended!) to everyone I meet.  You will also be happy to learn that I did not order them from Amazon because that leftist fucker Jeff Bezos is already the richest person in history (so he doesn't need any of my money) AND he probably funnels funds from Amazon to prop up his failing Washington Post (because obviously no one reads it so how else does it stay in business?).  Robert Mueller should investigate him for money laundering and tax fraud instead of wasting time investigating you when everyone knows there was #NOCOLLUSION.  Duh. (Vladimir Putin even told us that.)  No, I ordered my t-shirts from a nice Chinese factory that only employs 9 year olds and boy did I get a great price. I think it's the same place that makes your MAGA hats and really it's just wonderful the way those Asian cultures value the contributions of children.  We could probably learn something from them (but that's another story that you will never hear about in the fake news.)

Anyway, it's been a tough few days for me as I'm sure it has been for you.  I do hope you take my advice and invest in a bronzer make up line with only shades of orange (call it brorange!) just in case those nasty Democrats try to impeach you and you find yourself out of a job.  The presidency may be fleeting but a good make up line is forever.  Remember that.

Yours in Solidarity (but not really, ha ha),

Amy Beaton

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

#185) It's So Unfair

July 18, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump,

It breaks my heart to see the way liberal media outlets like Fox News continue to rake you over the coals for your performance at yesterday's press conference with Vladimir Putin instead of highlighting all of the good points.  For instance, your hair was totally on point.  The comb-over was masterful but the way the whole thing just looked light enough to float off your head was breathtaking, almost gravity defying.  (I would say magical but of course magic is satanic because it opens the way for demonic possession which I am totally against.)  I couldn't look away.  It was almost like the words that came out of your mouth didn't matter because I was blinded by the meringue of your hair and sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen if a big gust of wind came along.

Also, whoever does your bronzing should get the Congressional Medal of Honor.  I especially love the way they avoid putting it around your eyes so that they are more white than the rest of your face.  It makes your eyes really pop.  It puts me in mind of the Lone Ranger (another stalwart defender of freedom, justice, and the American way!) who wore a white mask but yours is way better because it is real.  You don't need the artifice of a leather mask that can be taken off or put on as the situation demands because you're always on and ready to stand up to defend your country like the true American that you are.  It's like there's nothing fake about you because you don't hide behind anything.  I appreciate that.

So don't let the pundits get you down Mr. Trump.  You do you and just let the haters go hate on someone else for a while.  I'm sure this whole thing will blow over before you know it.


Amy Beaton

P.S. You could probably trademark that shade of orange you wear so well.  It would be a wonderful addition to the Trump business empire.  Just look at how much money Kylie Jenner has made off of lipsticks.  Make up lines are HUGE right now and thanks to the hippy health conscious liberals steak and vodka are out.  So it's probably time to diversify anyway.