May 21, 2017
Dear Mr. President,
I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to write to you
about today because you are in Saudi Arabia and with the time delay I can't get
news of your exploits until late in the day (and I write this letter in the
early morning). But never fear...even half
a world away you still managed to
screw something up that I can write about!
You never let me down Mr. Trump.
Apparently you sent a congratulatory message and your
"warmest wishes" to the Cuban people on the occasion of Cuba's
Independence Day (May 20). The only
problem is that Cuba stopped celebrating that holiday in 1959! I've said it before and I'll say it again - your crew of
advisors are a bunch of jagaloons who couldn't find their way out of a paper
bag never mind affect meaningful diplomacy around the world.
Cuba's response was priceless. They said that you are "badly
informed" about their country. They
said your message of congratulations was "controversial" and
"ridiculous". They even read
out an official statement on state TV informing you that on May 20, 1902, Cuba
stopped being a Spanish colony only to become a "neo-colony of the
Yankees," which it would remain until January 1, 1959, the day of the
Cuban Revolution. (That's the day Fidel
Castro proclaimed the victory of the Cuban Revolution and is celebrated to this
day as Triumph of the Revolution Day.)
They also said, "even the US government itself is aware of the
contradictory and clumsy pronouncements made by the billionaire
tycoon-turned-president on both foreign and domestic policy." Ouch.
That must have hurt.
So that explains why they called your letter
"ridiculous." But they also
said it was "controversial" and that's because you made reference to
the valor and many accomplishments of Jose Marti. Cuban officials
said that the "president doesn't seem to understand that Marti was the
most anti-imperialist of all Cubans."
Dude, seriously, get yourself a good computer with access to
the Internet and a better team of advisors because your lack of information
about the world is just making everything awkward.
Sincerely,
Amy Beaton
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