July 19, 2018
Dear Mr. President,
I hope that you are sitting down right now because I have
some shocking and terrible news for you:
the Lone Ranger's mask was not white (which is really weird
because what other color could possibly represent American virtue, integrity,
and honesty?) Well, I nearly fell off my
chair when I found out and it breaks my heart to have to tell you this,
but apparently, because the show was shot in black and white, the mask which looked black on the screen was, in fact,
purple (which is also really weird because everyone knows purple is the color
for the gays.) I feel like a terrible
friend trying to buoy up your confidence by comparing you to the Lone Ranger
when really he was just a liberal, gay fraud only disguised as a good-hearted do-gooder
while he sneakily infiltrated hard working American's living rooms every week. What a terrible trick to play on us poor,
unsuspecting Americans (almost as bad as that purple Teletubby Tinky Winky that
my youth pastor warned me about.)
But wait, that's not the worst of it - there's more. I have also recently learned that the
Congressional Medal of Honor can only be bestowed on a member of the
military. You can just imagine my
frustration and disappointment that a make-up artist with the obvious talent
that yours has cannot be recognized by Congress at the level which she so
clearly deserves. Apparently, the
highest award for a civilian is the Presidential Medal of Freedom. This is very unfortunate because the
Presidential Medal of Freedom is A) purple (the gays!) and B) can be awarded to someone who
is NOT a U.S. citizen (unbelievable!).
So apparently the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the most
un-American award ever devised. Those liberals will stoop to just about any
level of trickery and deception to forward their immigrant-loving gay agenda. It is shocking.
I was so shattered by these revelations that I decided to go
on-line and purchase 5,000 bright red t-shirts emblazoned with the phrase NO COLLUSION and will be dispensing
them liberally (no pun intended!) to everyone I meet. You will also be happy to learn that I did not order
them from Amazon because that leftist fucker Jeff Bezos is already the richest
person in history (so he doesn't need any of my money) AND he probably funnels funds from Amazon to prop up his
failing Washington Post (because obviously
no one reads it so how else does it stay in business?). Robert Mueller should investigate him for
money laundering and tax fraud instead of wasting time investigating you when
everyone knows there was #NOCOLLUSION.
Duh. (Vladimir Putin even told us that.)
No, I ordered my t-shirts from a nice Chinese factory that only employs 9
year olds and boy did I get a great price. I think it's the same place that
makes your MAGA hats and really it's just wonderful the way those Asian
cultures value the contributions of children.
We could probably learn something from them (but that's another story
that you will never hear about in the fake news.)
Anyway, it's been a tough few days for me as I'm sure it has
been for you. I do hope you take my
advice and invest in a bronzer make up line with only shades of orange (call it
brorange!) just in case those nasty Democrats try to impeach you and you find
yourself out of a job. The presidency
may be fleeting but a good make up line is forever. Remember that.
Yours in Solidarity (but not really, ha ha),
Amy Beaton
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