#46) Rhymes With Chump

March 20, 2017

Dear Mr. President,

Yeah so, we need to process your date with Angela Merkel.  First off, she is a total badass. Without doing anything more than just being her usual, professional, self-possessed self, she made you look like a total chump.  Germany is the most powerful political force in the European Union (EU), she has been Chancellor of Germany for 12 years, and you wouldn't shake her hand for the camera?  What's up with that?!  I know you generally don't approve of the diplomatic niceties, but come on, shake the woman's hand!

Now for business:  we have military bases in Germany because they benefit us.  We use those bases for ease of operations in Eastern Europe and the Middle East (both political hotbeds at the moment).  A quick launching off point, if you will.  Our primary purpose in being there is not to "protect" Germany as your tweets imply.  You could pull the 30,000 American troops stationed there out, but why would you?  It makes no strategic sense, especially while relations with Russia and Ukraine continue to be so complicated.  You talk as if we are doing Germany some special favor.  I just don't want you to forget that we are getting something out of this relationship too.  It is a fact proven over and over again throughout history that America usually does things that benefit America.  I have no idea what president established our military bases there.  But I'm sure it wasn't a selfless act of kindness because he thought the German people would really, really, really like us to be there.

Another point of clarification:  you tweeted that Germany owes us, "vast sums of money" and that the US, "must be paid for the powerful and very expensive defense it provides Germany!"  I've got 3 issues with this. 

1)    You don't invoice a foreign nation through Twitter.

2)    That gratuitous exclamation mark makes you look like a 6^th grade girl (Like, OMG!!!!)

3)    Germany doesn't actually owe us any money.

NATO members must spend 2% of their GDP on their own national defense.  Germany hasn't met that goal, so they kind of owe themselves some money, but not us.  Any dues or resources owed to NATO get paid to NATO (not Washington) and are managed domestically by NATO (not Washington).  So you don't have to worry about Germany's checkbook.  In fact, Ms. Merkel would probably be very happy if you would get your tiny hands and mind off of hers.

The US ambassador to NATO Ivo Daalder said, "Trump's comments misrepresent the way NATO functions."  That's a really polite way of saying you don't know what the hell you're talking about (he must have aced diplomacy school to be able to say it so nicely).

So overall, kind of a bumpy first date.  But as the German newspaper Bild wrote, "It could have been a lot worse."  I guess I agree with that.

Auf Wiedersehen,
Amy Beaton